giving up immortality

Sometimes in life it's the people who are the closest to our heart who let us down, who break our trust. These blows are much greater in magnitude those those made from strangers. These make you sigh because you know that you will never look at them the same again, never really look at life the same again either. It's so frustrating, however when I look back at these incidents I realize that these are the times I really mature and learn about life and people. Perhaps without these incidents we will always remain carefree and innocent, however we never fully learn about this world and lack the power to extract all of life's sweet juices.

I think it might be nice to remain innocent, carefree forever. However without experiencing the lowest points in life one can never truly enjoy the high points. Sometimes I think that our highest enjoyment from life can one come after knowing the equal and opposite down side.

I remember hearing a Chinese story when I was little... it was about a fairy who lived in a sky and enjoyed immortality. But in the end she fell in love with a mortal and chose to give up her immortality and to stay with him dispite of the sadness and the suffering that might come, because in the end it was all the joy that was worth it. It's better to live a full life of ups and downs than to live - to just exist without being touched by life.


Cia's self portrait at seven yrs old

the begining of repatriation

In exactly one hour I will depart for north america on an ardorous journey of 60 something hours.

It's so quiet here, like time has been frozen. I feel as if this feeling of emptiness has coated the world in a muted blanket. It's only after my departure were the spell will be lifted.

I feel this dull pain in the deepest chambers of my heart. It's like a race, I'm always one step ahead of it. Like a foul stench that can be kept at bay when holding one's breath... but it's ardorous and artificial, one slip back to our natural tendency to breath and the odors will invade us and take control of us.

I would like to believe that we live in a world where love and friendship prevails and promised are kept. We are all attached by such fragile treads... but we must hold on. You only truly lose touch with someone when you stop talking to them on your part, when you, yourself give up. Sometimes I continue to email ppl I care about even after emails from them stop, at least this way the path of communication is always kepts, for without this channel (we we let go) it will end. Wouldn't that be a tragedy?